I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
