you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
