I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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