I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
