I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
