last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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