i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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