im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
