Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
