Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
