I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
