Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
