I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
