I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
