im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
