my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
