Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it because I queefed?
he was CRYING into my vagina
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
