So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
