You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
