I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
