someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm getting married
To pizza
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
