im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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