I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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