Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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