Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
