I just made out with a guy for $7.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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