the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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