I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Semen is not good for contacts.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
