I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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