The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
