Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
