hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
