I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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