The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
