I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
