i just had sex bonerless
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
