dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
