Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
