tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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