Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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