my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
