What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
