if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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