Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
