I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
