Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
