This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
