i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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