what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
