remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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