You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
