its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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